


an account of what could have been.

by LIGHTSJOON



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Attempt at Humor, Best Friends, College, Falling In Love, Friendship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I wrote this when I was super emotional and maybe I shouldn’t have lol, Love, M/M, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, honestly just a lot of feelings, i can’t think of other tags omg, implied seungjun/changyoon, kind of dialogue heavy, maybe not so unrequited???, not edited, stream my name is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:29:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29578221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LIGHTSJOON/pseuds/LIGHTSJOON
Summary: seungjun has always been in love with his best friend.;a brief account of the parasite known as unrequited love and why it terrifies its host.
Relationships: Kim Hyojin/Lee Seungjun | J-Us, Lee Changyoon | E-Tion/Lee Seungjun | J-Us
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this work is not beta read, nor edited. I apologize for any typos or errors in advance. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy.

_ “Jun— _ Seungjun are you listening to me?”

Seungjun’s eyes flickered across the desk to where Hyojin sat, a tall stack of books boxing him in on his left side. If the library hadn’t been packed with people, he would have shuffled their combined textbooks and supplemental readings around to make sure that the books didn’t go toppling into his best friend’s lap. Instead, he let the possibility hang over them. At least with the books there, there was one less thing to worry about.

He was tired of coming to the library everyday, unable to focus because this and that person were checking out his best friend. 

Seungjun hummed a noise of acknowledgement as he lifted his eyes from the blank page of his spiral notebook. “Sorry, what did you say? Something about a Gucci body?”

The latter rolled his eyes.  _ “Golgi  _ body, Seungjun…” 

_ “Right,  _ yes, that,” he chuckled. “I know what that is.”

Hyojin raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?” 

“Of course.”

“Then tell me what it is.”

Seungjun knew he’d been silent for a moment too long as he drew in an exaggerated deep breath. _ “You know,  _ you know—those, uh, those things from that one movie. What was it called—”

“We are talking about biology, Jun—”

_ “Star Wars!” _ Seungjun exclaimed as the faux realization coursed through him. “That’s it. Those creatures from the movie.”

Hyojin pressed his lips together, suppressing what he could of a laugh that threatened to spill over. The tips of his ears blushed a subtle tinge of pink as he brushed a hand over the back of his neck. “My god...I wish you could have been right about at least one of those things, but you really know how to miss the mark don’t you?”

“Have you  _ not  _ seen Star Wars?” Seungjun dramatically crossed his arms over his chest, leaning as far back in his chair as he could go, which wasn’t very far frankly. 

_ “You  _ are asking  _ me _ if I’ve seen movies that you and I have watched  _ together  _ at least a dozen times?” 

“Maybe you weren’t paying attention—”

A chuckle tumbled from Hyojin’s lips. “I think it’s  _ you _ who hasn’t been paying attention. To both the movies and our biology lecture.”

Seungjun threw himself forward, leaning his elbows against the wide desk. “Who on earth can pay attention to a lecture—a biology lecture at that—at eight in the morning?!”

“If I can do it, then so can you.”

“You must not be human then, because me alongside the reminder of the class can barely keep our eyes open for the first hour and a half.” 

Hyojin set down his pen. “The class is  _ only  _ an hour and a half.”

“My point exactly.”

The elder sighed. “You do realize our midterm is next week, right? How are we supposed to study if you don’t know anything?”

“First of all,” Seungjun started. “The fact that you trusted me to study with you is such an honor. Can I get that in writing? Changyoon will never believe me if I tell him—”

_ “Jun!” _

_ “Secondly,” _ the blonde continued. “It’s bold of you to assume after all of these years that I’m actually going to study prior to the morning of the exam.”

Hyojin ran a hand through his hair, and Seungjun would never be able to explain the feeling that coursed through him like a violent river during the height of summer, but there was nothing more captivating than seeing his best friend play with his hair. It was always the most basic of menial and mindless habits that Hyojin had curated throughout his young adult life, but it was by far his favorite of the few. Yet, as much as it piqued his interest, it also managed to infuriate him at times. Not because it annoyed him, or got on his nerves, but because he knew it either meant that Hyojin was anxious or trying to go out of his way to get (or maintain) someone’s attention. And the only reason he knew of the latter was both through keen observation and a rather hasty yet substantial admission. 

“Believe me,” Hyojin confessed. “I know better than any other person on this planet, and somehow I still maintain some hope that you’ll actually go against the grain for once.”

Seungjun laughed as he plucked his pen from the laminated wood, a sarcastic roll of the eyes blurring his vision before he honed in on his lightly-used notebook. “Okay,  _ okay,  _ a Golgi body…”

• •

The stress of midterms always drove Hyojin into a deafening silence, and as much as Seungjun didn’t like to hear him talk sometimes, there was a fine line between focus and obsession. 

“Hyojin…” Seungjun called out as he tapped against the elder’s door. “Are you hungry? Do you want me to get you something from the cafeteria?” 

There was that silence again, nothing put pure white noise ringing through his ears. It was almost as if he were the only person in the apartment, but he knew better. Without knocking again, he pushed the door open and peeked his head through the small clearing. 

Hyojin’s room had always been spotless, one may have mistaken it for a luxury hotel room. A hotel room that costs approximately eight-hundred dollars a month, on top of utilities, food, and everything else in between. 

“Hyo?” 

The brunette sat at his desk, or rather was slumped over his desk, head buried in his arms. Seungjun pushed the door open just enough for him to slip in, and made his way through the room. Other than the textbooks that seemed to litter the floor at his feet, and the haphazard mess of papers strewn across his desk, Hyojin’s room was practically spotless. 

Seungjun rolled his eyes. “How could you possibly sleep like that?”

His fingers merely brushed the partially smooth fabric of Hyojin’s cotton t-shirt as an overwhelmingly familiar warmth nested at the pit of his stomach. Seungjun willed himself to push past it, forcing himself to turn away from the haunting images of the what-ifs he’d withheld for all of this time. And yet, he knew there was no turning back from here, no escaping the spiral that would bound to consume him like a whirlwind. A damn near lethal tornado that would stop at nothing to tear through and break apart a town filled with people who deserved more than this sort of destruction. 

The feeling of rough warm skin against his own pulled him from his thoughts. 

“Are you okay?” Hyojin mumbled through squinted eyes. The elder leaned over the back of his chair as he stretched, a sliver of pale skin peeking out from where his shirt slid up. “What’s up?”

Seungjun turned away, hoping that Hyojin was too tired to notice the crimson that threatened to spill into his cheeks. He stuttered, “N-Nothing. I just wanted to see if you were hungry. I’m going to run down to the cafeteria for dinner. But if you’re too tired, at least sleep in your bed—”

_ “No,  _ no,” Hyojin yawned. “I’ll go. Who else is going?” 

The blonde shrugged. “It was just going to be me, so I guess you’re the only other person going.”

“Let’s invite the guys too, they’re probably hungry too.”

Seungjun didn’t even look back as he started to walk back into the hallway as he muttered a quick, “Yeah...sure.”

• •

“So, what’s going on with you and Hyojin?”

Seungjun looked up from his particularly sad plate of wilted salad and dry chicken, startled by Changyoon’s sudden question. “Excuse me?”

“Did you two fight or something?” 

“Where did you get that idea?”

Changyoon shrugged. “I don’t know, you just seem kind of distant from him tonight. We haven’t seen you guys in a few days, so I figured maybe something went down between you two.” 

The blonde felt something like an internal sigh of relief brush against his conscience, against his crippling anxiety. The residual blood rushing up into his ears was already distracting enough, alongside the hammering of his heart that began to ache against his chest, not to mention the looming stress of midterms—the last thing he expected was for Changyoon to step in and unknowingly stir a pot that wasn’t meant to be stirred. 

“Well,” he continued. “I’m glad you guys are okay. I’d hate to find out that you guys were having a lovers tiff or something—”

Almost as if someone had slapped him across the back really hard, the food in Seungjun’s mouth went flying across the table, barely missing Changyoon by an inch. “I’m sorry,  _ what—” _

“Hey! Watch where you’re spitting—”

“A  _ what?”  _ Seungjun exclaimed. 

“Oh relax,” Changyoon scoffed. “It was only a joke. I’ll never understand why you’re so sensitive about this shit.” 

“You’re talking about my best friend—”

_ “Our _ best friend—”

“Whatever,” Seungjun ignored, pushing his fingers through his hair. “You know that stuff makes Hyojin uncomfortable.” 

Between bites, Changyoon mumbled, “Not as much as it makes you. What are you afraid of offending his masculinity or something? He’s your person.”

One heartbeat. Two. Three.

“What do you mean he’s my person?” Seungjun asked, skepticism seeping from each word. 

“He’s just  _ that  _ person for you,” Changyoon clarified ambiguously. “He’s that person that compliments you in a way neither Minkyun nor I ever could. Not even Yuto or Wyatt hold a candle to what you and Hyojin have.” 

“It’s probably just because we’ve been friends for so long.”

“Perhaps,” Changyoon said as he pushed his food around his plate. “I’m not sure, it just feels like you two deserve each other.”

Before Seungjun could get the next question out of his mouth, Changyoon was already in the middle of his next thought. 

“After everything you two have been through, together and individually, it just feels right—that you two are a constant in each other's lives.”

“What—where is this coming from?”

Changyoon’s eyes swept across the room, just beyond Seungjun’s shoulder, and the blonde was going to ask what he was looking at, but he knew the familiar pitch of Minkyun’s laugh better than he knew his own voice, and he had all the answers he could ever possibly need.

His friend sighed, and there was no mistaking the way he seemed to crumble on top of himself as he said, “From a place of envy, I suppose.”

• •

“How do you think you did on the literature midterm?” Minkyun asked Seungjun as they walked out of the main classroom building.

Frankly, Seungjun felt as if all of the energy had been stolen from his body, he could barely muster up the strength to answer. “Let’s just  _ not  _ talk about it. Why the hell do we need to study poetry anyways? The professor always preaches about the importance of self-interpretation and then marks you down if your interpretation doesn’t coincide with hers.” 

“Sounds like you need some sleep.” Minkyun chuckled as he slung an arm around the elder’s shoulder.  _ “Or _ we can celebrate the end of midterms and go get some drinks.” 

“Tempting, but I already promised Hyojin—”

“Oh, come on, Seungjun! You never want to hang out with me!” Minkyun whined. 

And he knew this was only the beginning if he didn’t agree to go. So, instead of listening to his friend whine and complain the entire way to their cars, Seungjun settled for climbing into the passenger seat of Minkyun’s car. 

“What do we feel like eating?” 

Seungjun rolled down his window and let the sickly sweet summer air smother him. It was both comforting and overwhelming all at once, a reminder that even warmth can be abrasive. 

“You want to get noodles?” 

“Sure,” Seungjun responded passively. “Whatever you want.” 

Just as the words had been spoken aloud, the familiar tune of Hyojin’s ringtone filled the suddenly too silent car. 

Seungjun sighed and brought the phone to his ear. “What’s up, Hyo? I was just about to call you.” 

On the other end of the line, a hodgepodge of chatter and laughter threatened to drown out his best friend’s voice. “Hey, I’m not going to be able to meet up today after all. The guys from my class want to go out—”

“Okay,” Seungjun interjected, his voice flat. “I’m with Minkyun anyways. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

And without even giving his own feelings, or Hyojin’s, a second thought—he hung up. 

After a long moment, Minkyun managed a quick, “Everything okay?”

“Let’s invite the others tonight.”

When Seungjun turned to look at Minkyun, the younger already had a wide smile plastered on his face. “They’re already there waiting for us.” 

As upset as he felt, he couldn’t help but chuckle at Minkyun’s usual antics. 

• •

Half a dozen bottles of soju later, Seungjun was practically bouncing off of the walls. 

“God, I love when Seungjun is like this,” Jaeyoung stated. “He just seems far more free this way.” 

“Free?” Changyoon chuckled. “He’s the only other person in our friend group who is free spirited, just after Minkyun anyways.” 

“He just seems like he’s always holding back,” he clarified. “Especially when Hyojin’s around.” 

Changyoon’s eyes flickered across the room to where Yuto and Seungjun were belting their hearts out over this summer’s newest and most popular pop track. Yet, something about seeing Seungjun smile and laugh so carelessly felt tragic. He knew that Seungjun thought him blind, figured he was out of sync with what was so obviously troubling the blonde, but there didn’t seem to be a good way to bring up a conversation like that. 

That Seungjun was deeply and devastatingly in love with his best friend. 

“They’ve always been like that,” Changyoon offered, pouring himself another glass. 

Minkyun scoffed. “No, they haven’t—”

The elder kicked his friend from underneath the table, which elicited a yelp that crossed the room to where Seungjun and Yuto stood. 

“Who is beating up who, and why wasn’t I involved?!” Seungjun yelled. 

“Who do you think?!” Changyoon shouted back, a laugh lingering under the words. 

Seungjun stumbled over, barely missing his chair as he sat down. “Which one of you is going to sing with me next?” 

“Slow down, Jun,” Jaeyoung warned, an air of lighthearted concern wafting between them. “It’s still early.” 

Changyoon pushed a glass nearly filled to the brim with water toward his friend. “Please, drink some water. You need to catch up with that before you can sing anything else.” 

_ “Yoon— _ come on!” He cried. “Midterms are over, we’re finally all together—sort of, at least—let’s just have some fun!” 

“Listen, if you finish this glass of water, I’ll sing whatever you want with you.” 

_ “Really?!”  _

Changyoon nodded with half-enthusiasm, half-concern as his attention was pulled away from the group and to the sudden vibration of Seungjun’s phone that had been confiscated an hour earlier. Changyoon glanced in the blonde’s direction, who was thoroughly occupied by a sudden water drinking contest with Minkyun, before pulling the phone from his pocket and answering it.

“Hello?” 

“Changyoon?” Hyojin’s confused and startle voice echoed through the phone. 

Changyoon sighed. This call felt like it was suddenly coming at an inopportune moment. Seungjun was finally coming back out of his shell, after spending so much time being cooped up behind his anxieties, his unrequited feelings. All because of one man who was too blind to see that he was leading him on. “What is it, Hyo?” 

“Why are you answering this phone?” 

“It’s owner is currently preoccupied,” he stated plainly.

“Where are you guys?” Hyojin asked more instantly. 

Changyoon’s eyes followed Seungjun and Minkyun as they stumbled toward the front of the room, toward the karaoke machine. His empty promise suddenly forgotten, just as expected. “Where are  _ you?”  _

There was a brief silence, an awkward silence, that nearly tempted Changyoon to hang up, but just as he was going to pull the phone away, Hyojin said, “The guys I was hanging out with decided to go to the club downtown, and you guys know that’s not my scene, I was hoping to meet up with wherever he and Minkyun were going to be. I didn’t think you’d all be together.” 

“You sound disappointed.” 

“Why would I be disappointed?” 

Changyoon scoffed. “You tell me Hyojin.” 

“If you have something to say, then just say it,” Hyojin pushed. “I don’t know how many drinks you’ve had, but whatever you’ve had it’s making you look like an asshole.” 

Seungjun and Minkyun dance about the foot room, arms linked together as they spun around the room, and in the back of his mind, Changyoon knew that he would regret not stopping them. But it was the genuine smile on Seungjun’s face that stopped him from doing so. 

“Truthfully, there are many things I wish I could say to you, but I won’t. For the sake of my friendship with your best friend.” Changyoon switched the phone from one ear to the other. “But if I could spare to say one thing, it would be that I’ve never seen a living person mourn another living person as much as Seungjun has after all of this time.” 

When Seungjun spotted him, spotted Jaeyoung, and the realization that they were all together, that they were all happy for the first time in a while, he smiled something fierce. Something much brighter than all of the stars combined. 

Changyoon’s heart both lifted and sank at the sight. 

• •

Seungjun’s head  _ pounded  _ the next morning. 

He wasn’t sure how he made it home, how exactly he made it into his bed, or how Hyojin managed to slip into the bed right alongside him, but he had a dozen questions racing through his mind. 

He was almost angry that he couldn’t remember; that Hyojin just so happened to be right there in a place he dreamed of him being for so long. 

Instead of waking the brunette, he pushed himself up from the mattress, closed the door behind him to keep from disturbing Hyojin, as he made his way to the window. With some effort, he pushed it open. 

The morning air already seemed heavy and warm, which could only mean that it was bound to be another dreadfully hot day. 

Seungjun sighed, unlocking his phone to find several missed calls from Changyoon and Jaeyoung combined. Without any sort of hesitation, he brought the phone to his ear as it dialed. 

“Geez, I’ve been trying to call you all morning,” Jaeyoung scolded. 

“What’s up?” 

“Nothing really if I’m being honest. Changyoon asked me to call you to make sure you’re doing okay.” 

“Why wouldn't I be?” 

“Come on, dude,” he replied, a hint of something that should be obvious in his voice. “We all know you’re a shit drinker. You had eight bottles to yourself and completely blacked out.” 

Seungjun rolled his eyes. “I hardly think that makes me a shit drinker. I can drink more than you.” 

“Whatever. Anyways, how’s Hyojin? Is he okay too?”

“I suppose,” he shrugged. “He was still asleep when I woke up. Why are you asking about him?” 

“He showed up last night out of nowhere,” Jaeyoung admitted. “Frankly, neither Changyoon nor Minkyun seemed thrilled by his sudden appearance.” 

“I don’t even remember Hyojin showing up,” Seungjun sighed. “What happened?” 

“He came by with the intention of hanging out with us, but then he saw how trashed you were and insisted on taking you home. And you fought him hard on being able to stay, but evidently you guys ended up leaving without us.”

A frustrated sound crawled up and out of his throat as he shut the window. “Okay, whatever, I’ll ask Hyojin when he wakes up.” 

“Don’t forget to call Changyoon later, I think he’s worried you might be dead or something,” Jaeyoung reminded as they hung up. 

“Hey.”

Seungjun looked up from his phone to see Hyojin standing at the threshold of the hallway, merely dressed in his gray sweatshirt and black lounge shorts. 

“God, how could you be wearing a sweatshirt in this heat?” Seungjun cringed. “That’s disgusting.”

“I just woke up, don’t start nagging me. It’s too early for that.” 

“Dude, what the fuck happened last night,” Seungjun strained to remember, begged his memory to flex and reveal  _ something.  _ “Jaeyoung said you showed up…” a laugh echoed off of the walls around them. “I don’t even remember that happening.” 

Hyojin pushed himself away from the wall and settled down onto the couch next to him. “I mean you  _ were _ pretty far gone—”

“Oh god,” Seungjun said, something like horror and embarrassment etching into his features. “What did I say? Just tell me, I can take it.” 

The brunette hesitated for a moment before he started playing with his fingers, looking anywhere and everywhere but at him. 

And Seungjun’s heart  _ sank _ with what that silence meant. 

“No…” he denied, tears suddenly welling up in his eyes. “No I couldn’t have. I didn’t. Please tell me I—”

“Seungjun—”

He pushed himself up off of the couch, barely missing a corner of the coffee table as he rounded an edge. And he was halfway down the hallway before Hyojin’s familiar fingers wrapped themselves around his wrist. 

“Wait, Jun—”

The blonde whipped around and faced his best friend, tears and all. 

“You know, don’t you?” His voice trembled, barely a whisper as he said, “I told you, didn’t I?” 

“Is—” Hyojin took a deep breath. “Is it something to be ashamed of? Does it change anything between us?” 

Seungjun nodded. It’s all he could bring himself to do.

Hyojin squeezed his friend’s wrist with something that was reminiscent of reassurance. “Why?”

“Because you’ll never feel the same way about me.”

• •

The remainder of the year passed in a blur. 

Midterms. Lecture. Projects.. Final Exams. 

It all came and went like a season that had no intention of sticking around. And when it was all finally over he couldn’t even bring himself to be excited about the remainder of the summer. Despite the plans that his friends had made without him and were forcing him to indulge in; despite Hyojin’s desperate attempts to get him to come out from his room. 

He was tired. Tired of pretending that Hyojin wasn't pitying him; tired of Changyoon’s overwhelmingly concerned gaze on him whenever they found the time to get together; worn out by everyone asking him where he’s been and why he hasn’t been answering his phone. 

He simply wanted to escape, wanted to dream about things that he knew could never be. 

But what he wanted more than anything was to stop loving his best friend. He was finally tired of loving someone who didn’t have the courage to love him back, to love him openly. 

The saddest thing of all is that he missed him, missed him more than the way trees craved wind, but being around him was nothing more than a constant reminder of the embarrassment he felt from that day. When he finally came to his senses and realized he’d drunkenly confessed his long time feelings for his lifelong friend. 

And it didn’t matter how much he craved his presence, missed spending his time with him; missed laughing over their outlandish conversations during their library study sessions; missed casually going to lunch or dinner.

Most of all, he missed feeling like Hyojin’s friend. 

Not once did he ever think this is where they’d be. Two people merely passing by one another in the halls as they walk amongst their divided friend group. 

Strangers. 

And eventually, forgotten. 


	2. an account of the past.

_ Seungjun— _

You must have always known. Right? That my guard was up, that all I could ever do was continue to add bricks to a seemingly towering wall. One that stretched endlessly like a dazzling summer horizon. Why else would you have continued to seek me out, despite the variety of protest? By me. By Changyoon.

A time ago, when we were much younger—shrouded in a blissful ignorance that disguised itself as innocence—you told me that there was no wrong time for love. No...there was no  _ right _ time. And since time was nothing more than a construct of our simple humanity, love and people would surely be able to transcend that which has been created by the human mind.  _ For _ the human mind. To secure a peace so tranquil and sympathetic that it should be wholly and utterly beguiling.

Surely that must have been it.

But it wasn't. Isn't.

For no one ever told us what we were supposed to do with a love that has been left out to dry amidst the harsh winter storms. Soaked in expectations I never thought I would cling to; windblown by incessant monotonous reassurances that turned out to be one ceaseless, seamless lie; lightning should have struck that love down—and it did,  _ you  _ did—and the thunder that rumbled and echoed in my heart was nothing but a reminder that I could still manage to feel. That I was still capable of understanding what it was like to hurt aftering being swept up by the drastic storm that had always been our lives together.

And it was because you knew all of that, knew what was and wasn't in my heart, my life and its inconsistencies that you abandoned me, right?

You could have at least come to me and told me that was so. Instead of washing your hands of feelings that you never took the time to understand, of feelings you never thought were there to begin with. Instead, you hauled yourself up in your room, barely stepped out into the sunlight to eat, wash, or even go to class. At least, that's what I thought, until I saw you walking through the halls, paler than the walls of our shared home. One that you had cast aside like memories stacked along the curb for donation.

Do those memories mean nothing to you anymore? Did it feel good for you to renounce our friendship for the sake of protecting your heart?

And what of my heart? What about what  _ I  _ feel? Did it even ever occur to you that perhaps I was too anxious to share my thoughts on what you'd unknowingly confessed to me?

Even though I knew exactly how you felt, knew how genuine and open your heart was with me after all of these years, I was still a coward. Confused by the kaleidoscope of the simple yet touching gestures that suddenly began to make too much sense. Angered and annoyed by the way Changyoon kept you too close, as if you were nothing but an object of affection that was encased like a prize for his own keeping.

I know you— _ knew  _ you. I thought I did. My lifelong friend.

At least that's what I'd always thought.

—

_ "Seungjun, please, be careful..." Hyojin muttered as they stumbled their way up the steps to their apartment. "That's it, one step at a time—" _

_ "Hyo..." he said a little too loud for comfort. His words slurred as he laughed through a quick, "Shhhh, it's okay. I can do this." _

_ "Right." _

_ Hyojin did what he could to balance his best friend under his arm as he fished into his pockets for the keys to the front door. They clashed and jingled against one another as he shoved them into the lock and forced the door open. _

_ "Okay, let's go, Jun—" _

_ "I can do it!" he insisted as his knees partially buckled beneath him. _

_ Hyojin rolled his eyes. "'I can do it,' my ass..." he mumbled. _

_ His drunken friend collapsed onto the couch, a satisfied smile pulling at his lips as he chuckled. _

_ "Hyo..." Seungjun sighed. "You know I love you, right?" _

_ The elder stopped in his tracks as he reached for the handle to the fridge. His heart skipping a beat, then another, until he was sure it had stopped dead in his chest. He cleared his throat as he stuttered, "Y—yeah, of course I know that. We've been best friends for this long, haven't we?" _

_ Another sigh, but this time frustrated. Tired. "I could only wish there was a way I could make you understand." _

_ "Understand what?" Hyojin asked, pulling the water filter from the fridge. He poured one glass, and then another, not even bothering with putting the pitcher back into the fridge as he walked over to his intoxicated friend. _

_ "That I have always loved you more than you have loved me." His voice came out strained, almost as if someone had wrapped a single hand around his neck. As if he'd felt threatened by something he couldn't see, but certainly by something he could feel. "Moving on—trying to move on and thinking of a life that may not have you in it...simply makes me feel as if I've given all of my love to the wrong person—" _

_ "Seungjun—" _

_ "—because why should I look at someone as if they're my whole night sky...when they've only ever seen me as the concrete beneath their feet. Someone who walks alongside them, with them, but never seen. Never put on display and admired in the same way." _

_ "Jun, please..." A tear slipped down Hyojin's cheek as he pulled Seungjun up and into his arms. "Stop. Please." _

_ "I think..." A sorrowful sigh. "I think we were meant to find each other, likely meant to be, and yet...somehow I think we missed our time."  _

_ “How could you say that?” Hyojin prompted, a tinge of annoyance hinted in his voice.  _ “You  _ who’d always preached that love has no timing, that it bends to no one’s will but our own—” _

_ “When you find yourself drowning in a one-sided love, Hyojin, you’ll understand that I was wrong.”  _

_ Seungjun’s eyes met his own. They poured into him the same way ocean waves desperately crashed against the beach, trying to rip through the sand until there was nothing left but polluted water, nothing left in its wake to stop it.  _

_ Hyojin reached for the younger’s hand. It was warm, sticky with the residual alcohol that he’d spilled as they left the karaoke bar, but he still didn’t let go. He clung to whatever he possibly could, knowing that Seungjun was retreating. His heart. His mind. He was collapsing in on himself as he let those hidden feelings fly freely for the first time in nearly an age.  _

_ “ _ How _ —how could you possibly think that I wouldn’t understand?”  _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3
> 
> I’d love to hear your thoughts!


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